The Eye @

New Rules

Posted in Uncategorized by eyebee on March 29, 2009

New Rule:
There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” oh, you’re a
huge asshole.
New Rule and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even
tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I
don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
Stop sending me that pop-up ad for! There’s a reason
you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy’s chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you
spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re
just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already
doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

Posted via email from Eyebeemania


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